To be honest, I don't really know what to say. Today has so far been a hard day. One negative thought has led to another and got me feeling really down. I wanted to talk today about how to let this obsession go with your weight, but who am I to talk. I definitely have not done so. I am trying, very very hard. Part of my sadness is that I do not know how. I have discovered one thing today though. In my search for answers, I turned to the scriptures as I usually do and I came across Helaman 3. I would suggest you read it. If you don't have a Book of Mormon, get one! It is such a great book. You might have heard crap about it, but the best way to know the truth of something is to test it out and ask God yourself. In fact you would not have to get one. I read it online usually on LDS.org.
This chapter talks about yielding your heart to God. I believe that the answer is not to force yourself to stop obsessing about yourself, but rather refocus yourself on something else. I once was told to not think of a pink elephant for 5 min. Guess what, the more I tried to not focus on a pink elephant, the more I thought about it. However, it is possible if you just start thinking about something else completely and ignore that you are not supposed to think about something.
I think this is also where Gratitude come in. I think life would be much more rich for me if I thought more about how full my cup was instead of how empty it was.
Just got off the phone with my husband. He could tell I was irritable and asked me what was up. I told him of my frustrations. He told me to just keep going and that slowly but surely God will continue to help me. I am so in love with him. He is so good to me and good for me. I have been trying to give myself freedom to eat what I want, but to be honest, I do not know myself. I don't know what I want.
When I was a kid, my mom controlled what I ate. As a teenager, I got to decide, however I was already so instilled with what was a "good" food and what was a "bad" food that I never really had freedom. Food, at a very early age was associated with either guilt and shame, or power, success and control. Dieting, whether it had a name or was just a set of rule in my mind, allowed some sense of external control over me because my belief was that I could not trust myself to make good choices
Ouch, I think this baby having a wrestling match with my innards. Or maybe He senses that mommy is upset and is trying to let me know that He is with me. Both options kind of make me want to cry. :P
Thanks for reading. I will keep you posted on this journey of mine that I find joy in sharing.
I love you Daddy!