Friday, March 30, 2012

My Body is a Temple



Here in Utah, there are many many temples. This is where I will be getting married... well not this exact temple, but one in San Diego. Temples are a sacred place. They are quiet and peaceful and free from any worldly distractions. The temple is where we make sacred covenants with God. We promise to serve him and keep his commandments and in return he promises us eternal blessings. When Christopher and I get married in the temple we will make a promises not just to each other but with God. A temple marriage allows us to be "sealed" together not just until we die but for eternity! Then when we have children they are "born under the covenant" and we can be together forever as a family unit.

We also perform these ordinances for people who have already died and no longer are with their body so that if they chose to accept Christ in heaven, the work has been done "in proxy" for them. It is a way that we can serve our ancestors who paved the path for our wonderful lives. So, needless to say, the temple is a very important and special place. It is very clean and very beautiful. The reason I speak of temples is because in the Old Testament they had temples too! Furthermore, Paul teaches that our bodies are like temples. He says in Corinthians 3.
16 Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the spirit of God dwelleth in you?
17 If any man defile the temple of God, him shall God destroy; for the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are.

Temples should be beautiful and pure. (NOT THE WORLD'S DEFINITION OF BEAUTIFUL). Each temple is unique in appearance, and so are our bodies.... for example....all of the following images represent beauty because they are all of temples whose purpose is the exchange of Love. None of them look the same but their purposes are the same with the central sentiment of LOVE!

Alberta Temple
The Love Between a Mother and Daughter
Salt Lake City Temple

Love between the young and the old.
San Diego Temple (Where Chris and I will be married!)
Sister Love

Jordan River Temple
The love of a mother for her unborn child.

I don't always feel like a temple, but I know that my body is special. It allows me to do a lot of things. I can hug, and wipe away tears. I can give comfort to the sick. I can write a blog! I can sing and dance. I can play with a child. I can help an old person stand up. I can teach. I can create life. There is so much more to my body then what I look like.

I love you Daddy!
Sherry

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Addictions

Addictions are a horrible thing, they are not like a thief that suddenly breaks into your house and the swiftly takes all he can in a few passing moments. Addictions, although they rob you of everything that is good in your life, do so in a very gradual almost unnoticeable way. Addictions appear as harmless on the outside, and are often camouflaged by short lived pleasure which can be mistaken for happiness. Addictions are cowards. They like to hide their ugly face behind lies, closed doors and false confidence. There is one secret that addictions are aware of, but they will do everything they can to not let you in on the little secret. In order to hid the secret they will make you believe that once they have you in their grasp, you are stuck forever; you may be given moments to rest, but never will you be released from being their slave. It is time to set things straight and share the truth about addictions.
The truth is that addictions are like bullies. They like to seem strong and powerful, but when put up against something stronger, they shrivel. They want you to think they are strong in order to protect themselves from the weak selves that they know they are deep down. Their power is not self supporting but rather it is dependent upon the yielding of another. The perpetual yielding of one to an addiction eventually leaves one trapped. Addictions like to pretend that just a little bit more may finally be enough and so the slave gives in once more only to find once again that its master is never satisfied and always wants more.

How then is one ever to be freed from an addiction? It is simple. One must choose another master. Until this happens the addicted with give all its strength trying to break free only to hurt himself more. Spencer W Kimball shares a story that demonstrates how difficult and yet simple it can be to let go of an addiction. He first describes a group of monkey catchers who attempted to use nets to catch the monkeys but it would injure them. Instead they came up with a new strategy where they would place a nut in a box with a hole big enough for the monkeys to place their hand in. When the men left, the monkeys would come down and examine the boxes. Quickly they learned that there was a nut in the box and so they reached their little hands in and took hold. When the monkey tried to withdraw the nut from the box they were unable because their little fists with the nut inside were now to large for the hole. He goes by saying “At about this time, the men would come out of the underbrush and converge on the monkeys. And here is the curious thing: When the monkeys saw the men coming, they would shriek and scramble about with the thought of escaping; but as easy as it would have been, they would not let go of the nut so that they could withdraw their hands from the boxes and thus escape. The men captured them easily.” (The False Gods We Worship, Aug 1977) Monkeys are not stupid or powerless, but the problem was that their desire to have the nut was stronger than the desire to be free.
What is the nut of your addiction? Are you trying to be free but can’t seem to let go of the nut? Addictions can make it very difficult to see clearly, but with the help of leaders and loved ones who are not trapped, they can encourage us to let it go.
In choosing to let go, we are choosing to not work harder, but to walk away. We choose to leave our old task master behind and choose another who is more loving and even more powerful.
It is not enough for the monkeys to just let go of their nut. They must also flee from the monkey catchers in order to not be trapped. We too must flee from the dangers that surround us. If addictions are like the nut, them the monkey trappers are like Satan. They want us to focus on the nut or addiction in order to not be aware of his evil presence slowly approaching us. As long as he can keep us distracted, he can remain hidden and disguised and then ultimately take hold on us. Imagine he and his followers had us surrounded, even if we were to let go of the nut and flee we would ultimately fall right into his hands. The nature of a trap is that you have no way out. Satan is wise and he has mastered the art of trapping.
However, there is a power that can deliver one from the traps of Lucifer. He knows this too, and he is doing all that he can to make people believe that Jesus Christ was not the Savior of the world. Jesus Christ came to earth so that we could have a way out of the traps. It is powerful. It is real. A smart monkey would ask God for help. God would reach down his arms and swoop the monkey away from those who were seeking to destroy. He would not be angry at the monkey, but how many times do we resist asking God for help because we feel like He would be angry with us. God is a god of love, not of hate. Jesus Christ was sent to earth in order to save, not to condemn.
I love Jesus Christ. I understand his role, and I am grateful for His power. I have not used all of the power available to me, mostly because of my pride. It can be hard to let go and let someone else love you. Let someone else save you. Sometimes we want to do it on our own, thinking that once we have made it, then God will say. “Wow, you are amazing. I had to help so many people, but you? You, Sherry. You did it on your own.” Sure, that might be a great idea but the reality is that I cannot do it on my own. I depend completely on Jesus Christ. If I want to be happy and free, I must let him in. If the world wants to be happy and free, we must let him in. I write these things in the name of Jesus Christ, my brother, my master, my savior, my friend.

I love you Daddy!
Sherry

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Diets are Dumb.

I took a class once on family processes. In it I learned that often times parents have beliefs of what works and does not work for in disciplining their children. If the child does not respond in the expected way, the parents often just try harder instead of think...mmm maybe this is not working....maybe I should try something else? For example, a child is home past his curfew, so the parent makes the curfew earlier or takes away privileges in an attempt to control the child. That may work for some children but not for the free spirit, that child will probably just rebell more, so then the parent restricts more, so the child rebells more and cycle continues until the relationship is completely strained and life is miserable for both the parent and the child. What needs to happen in a situation like this is for the parents to take a step back and revaluate what it is they are doing and what they could try different. As scary and against their beliefs it may be, giving the child complete freedom is often the answer. Many children want to know that you trust them to be responsible, as they are becoming an adult the last thing they was to do is have someone else control them. With REASON!

I feel that this is the same horrible cycle that I have been stuck in for so many years. My body is not what I think it should be, and I expect myself to eat "Perfect" everyday every meal. When I don't, because that is impossible, I get upset at myself and make more restrictions until eventually my relationship with food and myself is totally destroyed. I don't trust myself and so I feel fear every time food is around, I start to hate food because it is the horrible thing that is ruining my life and I am bitter against it that it has power over me. I NEED it to survive. So, I abuse it. I can tell you that this is NOT a fun way to live your life and it is a dangerous road to be on. There are many many things wrong with this. I will go through them. One, like I have said before, it is important to know that the diet and fitness industry are driven by MONEY. Just like fashion, the trends must change or else people will be content and no longer buy the latest. MONEY. They want your money. They feed off of good intentioned people who are trying to take care of their bodies and mess up their heads about what is good and what is bad.

I remember when I was a kid and it was time to have dessert, I was genuinely and completely excited. I enjoyed every bite and and experienced no guilt or self defeating thoughts. I was thin and active. Life was full of joy....then gradually life became about work and trying to be good enough. Play gradually turned into "WORKing out" and cookies gradually turned into Medication. I got overt and covert messages from my well intentioned family that I should not eat sweets especially when it was the off season. I began to believe that fat made me less than, and goodness gracious....who would want that!!!!! No one wants that! So, it started with sugar...sugar became the enemy. No more excitement to eat, eat slowly began to be a cycle of restrain, indulge, repent and repeat. Then it was restrain more, indulge more, repent , repeat. Restrain even more, indulge even more, repent , repeat. Finally, I realized that if a cycle wants to be broken, one or all of them need to be broken.

Restrain? Yup. Break it. There is no such thing as bad food. As intelligent as your body is, it does not know how to read food labels. It does not know the name of whatever you are eating. It does not send off "Store fat alarms" when you eat a hamburger. Nor does your body know how to tell time. It does not tell say....oh Sherry you ate at 8:02 and you know that your metabolism stops at 8. It is going to have to go into STORAGE! MUA HA HA! Suits you right Sherry for feeding me after 8. Suits you right for feeding me a piece of pizza instead of eating that cheese and meat and veggies in the form of a sandwich. So, the body many not know how to read, it is super super intelligent. We, thinking we know better often ignore it though when it is trying to talk to us.

Ever watch a baby. They are sooooo in tune with when they are hungry and when they are full. I believe that we still have that ability but diets and rules and guilt and shame do a good job of encouraging us to ignore them. The body has both hunger and satiety clues and if you listen closely you can hear them! These are the mechanisms in our body that God has given us to guide how much we eat. He also gave us appetites and food preferences. This is what guides us on knowing what you eat. I have known this principle for years, but I have been afraid to live this way because there are two things that you must accept in order to live this way. One, you must let go of trying to look like someone else, even and especially if that someone else is a past you. Second, you must be ok with not being "perfect" in your eating behaviors. Is there anyone out there that get exactly 8 hours of sleep every night to the very minute?? The great thing about the body is that it is good at finding balance, so listen to it! If you oversleep one day, you probably wont be so tired the next day unless your body really needs it! If I was like... OK I MUST get 8 hours of sleep every night....NO MORE NO LESS...while I was training for my marathon I would have been miserable. After my long runs my body would sleep for so long!!!! I have also noticed that I need more sleep when I have went through an emotionally straining couple of days. I trusted my body with sleep and that is how it should be with food too. If you eat a lot one day, don't worry! If you are consistently listening to your hunger and fullness cues then you may not be as hungry the next day.

When I let myself eat when I am hungry and then stop when I am comfortable, I DO NOT feel the need to indulge because my body knows that I am not going to starve it. I feel peace and I can focus on the more important things in life, like people.

Also, there is no repentance. I don't feel guilty for things that I used to feel guilty for and so there is no exercise to burn off calories, there is no throwing up, there is no laying in bed swearing to myself that I will never do that again.

I will stress though, in order to do this, I HAD to accept me for what I was. I also had to let go of the urgent desire to have a certain body, realizing that God does not care about what I look like. Sure, lots of men might think you should look different, but if you are living a life of joy and love and finding satisfaction from taking care of yourself and others, then he sure is missing out. You don't want a man to marry you for your body just as much as man does not want to be married for his money. Children of God are much more than a body and a career.

So, in summary, I know in a previous post I said that I ate what I planned and planned what I ate, but I don't do that anymore. This has always been my ultimate goal to eat intuitively but I did not believe that I could do it. With the help of the program that I posted last post, and the support of my loved ones I have finally come to this point. It still is a little scary but as long as I keep my thoughts in check, I will be ok. There are triggers for me that can throw me back so easily into my old ways of thinking. Some of those are when others around me are trying to lose weight, or avoid "bad" foods. Food did not hurt me. I hurt myself. Don't blame foods like sugar and butter for your unhappiness. And don't blame your unhappiness on your excess weight. Don't even blame yourself. You, like I, have probably put your trust in and found "health" information from sources that appeared to be looking out for your best interest (magazines, television, movies, advertisements, or parents and loved ones who were confused themselves) when the reality is that they want our money.

Well.. that was long. Hope it was helpful. I know I make typos and that my thoughts don't always flow, but I just sit down and write what is on my mind.....just like food...I would go crazy trying to make everything perfect. I am not publishing a book, I am posting a blog. Take it or leave it, but I am giving it raw!

I love you Daddy!
Sherry

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Bulimia

I have been thinking about my life and where I have been. I remember that sometimes my food would accidentally come up, then I would just conveniently spit it out. I told my sister about this in high school and she warned me that it was not a good idea. I did not listen to her. I have never been a full blown bulimic, but i know people who are. It is a horrible horrible disease. Isn't it crazy how powerful the desire to be thin can be? Humans can want to be thin so bad that they will eat large amounts of food til they feel sick and then force themselves to vomit? Some do this multiple times a day, others do it a few times a week, a few times a month or like in my case, I did it few times a year.

Why? In my opinion, bulimia's root is a desperate need for love. A cry for acceptance. An attempt to be good enough, to be attractive, desirable, respected. In professional treatment for eating disorders they teach that eating disorders are about control. I agree with this, but I think even deeper is why there is such a deep desire to control. For me, the feelings were that if I could control what I looked like, then if people rejected me I could feel peace that it was not for what I looked like. If I could maintain my looks, then I could control others in that they would always love me and accept me. We talk like it is a mental disorder that is warped, but isn't it true that many people disapprove of fat people? Isn't it true that many people feel sick when they watch a fat person eat? Isn't it true that what the media deems as the most beautiful women are thin? Isn't it true that many men see fatter woman as less than? I know a man who told his son that he deserved better because his girlfriend was fat. The funny thing is that she was not even fat! She was totally normal looking. For most of my life, I have been taught from my experiences that people admire me and want to be close to me and listen to me and respect me when I am thin, and when I have been bigger people encourage me to lose weight, they encourage me to restrict my eating and they are not as eager to listen to my advice on health. It is true. People are sick. We value the wrong things and put unnecessary pressure on our loved ones and on ourselves. It is hard to keep the right focus when constantly around us we are receiving messages about what we should and should not be.

I am an advocate for a complete health, not just physical health. If your mental health is suffering because you can not stop hitting the physical health button, you have a problem.

If you are eating and throwing up. Stop. First stop the throwing up, even if you binge. That is the first step. You must learn to face the consequences of your actions instead of trying to escape them. I had a dream this year that my recovery was like a maze. I have been trying multiple different things and then I hit a dead end and have to try a new path.... I felt like I was almost there.... then after praying for help I found a website. I watched the promotion for the program and in the video there was the exact maze that was in my dream. I was afraid to buy this program because I thought it may just be for money, but SERIOUSLY it helped me so much. I have posted the video below... I suggest if you have a problem to go to the website and check it out. If you have questions about it, send me a message.




We are not here to worship our bodies. We are not here to worship health. We are not here to worship money. We are not here to worship education or cars or the gym or even our loved ones. We are here to worship God. When one can understand that our bodies are gifts from him and that we have a responsibility to take care of them and use them for the purposes for which they were intended, I think a lot of our problems would fade away with our renewed faith and perspective.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Pain

First off, I want you to all know that I do not want you to glamorize my life and idolize me thinking that my life is perfect. For example, I was up til 4 am last night discussing relationship problems with my roommate. I was up til 3 am the night before talking with my fiancé about my problems. I am far from perfect and the people around me are far from perfect too. There was a time when Christopher was critical about my body and it hurt super bad. What amazes me about him is that when I talk to him about what hurts me, he cares enough to make a change. He digs deep within himself and refines what might be hurting others.

This morning I was thinking about life, as always, and I decided that a lot of life is accidentally hurting people. We all are victims of mistreatment in some form or another, and then in an effort to get and keep love, we end up hurt others. We all want to love and we all want to be loved, but there are so many barriers and insecurities and fears that get in the way. We often see others in their weakness and call them selfish or stupid or dangerous but I believe that we are all little children inside wanting to be loved. Sometimes we just go about it in the wrong way and end up hurting each other.

Lets look at being thin. Perhaps you were taught by your mother that it is important to be thin. She praises you when you are thin and warns you when she starts to see that you are getting fat. Or, she just is consumed with her own size and you, as a super absorbant child, internalize it all. Her fears become your fears. You want her love and acceptance. Because it is important to her, you know that she will be proud of you if you can achieve a body to die for. the sad thing about all of this is that she probably believes that she will finally feel secure in love once her body is different. She views her husband inability to love perfectly as a direct result of her imperfect body. It makes sense when the media teaches us that Men want one thing: sex. It is true, they want sex, but most men are not so shallow minded that this is ALL they want out of a relationship. If it is, then they have problems of their own to deal with. A whole other blog could be devoted to that subject. If that is the case, know that it is HIS problem. Not yours.

If a man does not love you because you are not perfect in your appearance than he is missing out and he is dooming himself to a life of loneliness because there is no such thing as a perfect appearance, just as much as there is no such thing as a perfect sunset or painting. They all should be appreciated for their uniqueness. It is the stupid media that convinces us that there is one way to be, and then reinforces that you don't measure up. This is how marketers get money; they prey on where you lack. Even if a man did find a perfect appearance, unless she spends thousands of dollars on plastic surgery and wrinkle creams her perfect appearance will fade.

It is easy tempting for a girl to not just be wanted for her looks. It is the easy way out. We know that as long as we look pretty, he will stick around. We don't have to invest emotionally, expose our inner selves, our insecurities, our weaknesses, our fears. We secretly like that he values us for our pretty face because it keeps us from having to expose ourselves too much and then watch him walk away.

So, no matter if you are single, or married please remember that what you look like is only a small part of you. It is important, but it is not the most important thing. What good is a clean and beautiful house if there is a murderer running lose in it? Would you go in the house? What about a clean house that has kind people who welcome you and you feel safe. That is the house that you want to be in, and the cleanliness is a welcomed bonus. I feel like our looks should be the cherry on top for a man, but not the foundation of ice cream. We don't have ice cream for the cherry, it is for the ice cream, but I enjoy every moment of that cherry. I think girls want to be loved for the ice cream (who they are) but have their man savour every bite of that red hot cherry! oo la la! ooo and no one wants to eat a regurgitated Cherry. We all want our own Cherry, one that has not already been chewed. However, if that is the case, not all hope is lost. God is willing to help those who have been a cherry passed around from man to man feeling all chewed up and spit out, waiting for another man to do the same. Christ can heal you and make you into a whole new cherry with no bite marks. Anyway, life can be a beast, but I love it that way.


I love you Daddy!
Sherry

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The girl a Real man wants.

I wrote this poem the other day. Maybe I am apostate but I used the word Hell. :( Members of the church might be appalled, and my friends who are not LDS will probably laugh at me. I have tried to find a replacement word that will do justice to how I feel, but I failed....

yet I am expected to hike.

I head the trail eager as hell

determined to triumph at last

I take my first step

then I fall down

watch as the others go by

they laugh and scorn, think I am fat.

I curl in a ball and I cry

pretty face hiding behind her worldly facade

trips and breaks her poor leg

the root at foot is to blame

as the men quickly administer first aid,

then carry her the rest of the way

I watch as I lay alone and afraid

screaming from inside out

they tell me "be positive"

"be confident in yourself"

easy to say when you know how to walk.

oblivious before, I now see the blood

I suck it up, because its my fault

I should have been thinner

not fallen so soon

maybe its because I am big

thats it. if I were little, surely I would not fall

but if I did, the men would rush

they would bandage my aching wounds

my delicate self would make him feel man

but oh how he's really a mouse

a true man is one who can look past the crust

love a girl for what is inside

every girl needs a man who cares

regardless of her size


I have also gotten feedback that this blog is too angry. I am sorry, but part of the whole reason for this blog is to show that women can be real. I hurl at the thought of me feeling pressured to put on the perfect face because that is what some people want to see. I want to see people's real face. I am not afraid of anger if it is for a righteous purpose. I embrace it. It is true: I am angry at the messages that the world sends to men and women about how they should be. Even within the church or other religions, we often put pressure on each other to look or act a certain way. Like my financé helped me discover last night, it can be easy to make health a moral issue, when it is not. We say, oh I did not work out today. I am bad! oh, I had some cake, I am bad. REALLY? Does missing a workout merit you the label "bad"? How about the backbiting that you did an hour ago? What about the selfishness? Perhaps if we invested more of our energies into the issues that truly make a woman ugly, we could free ourselves from the tyranny of vanity. Just a thought.

So, the girl a real man wants is a girl that is genuine. A girl that cares more about others than she does about herself. This is a woman who has true beauty. When a woman is truly beautiful it starts in the inside and shines out in her eyes, in her smile and in her actions. Beauty is seen in the parts of her that are real, not in the parts of her that are painted on, or made of plastic. A girl who obsesses about her appearance is selfish and usually not happy. She is not meaning to be selfish, she is trying to be loved. This cycle needs to be stopped and it needs both men and women to do it. Women must fight the desire to gain the praise of the world wearing their seductive smile and men must stop chasing the women that encourage lust. If we didn't get attention from men when we are immodest, or flashy, then we wouldn't be that way. But if we would not be that way, men would not get so distracted and lose focus of what they want deep down: a woman who will love him.

I found a real man. Last night he talked to me for hours. He helped me to understand what makes me important, what makes me unique, what makes me worth loving, what makes me desirable. It did not have anything to do with what I looked like. He said that the first thing he thinks about when he thinks of me is my smile and my giggle. He said that he is attracted to me when he sees me being kind to others and sensitive to their needs. He said that he loves my passion and my desire to make change in the world. He said that he loves my mind. He said that he loves my serious side, the side that loves God and takes life seriously. I wrote them down and I am going to make sure that I remember those things when I have children and feel like my body is not so hot. I will remember this when I get lots of wrinkles and stretch marks and celulite. The world sees those as undesirable. It has taken some time, but I see them as evidences of a life well lived. I see them as a rejection of the world and a priority on the things that do matter. I am not a woman to just please the eye. I am a woman to love, to encourage, to help those in need, to bear children, to share my talents, and to share her genuine smile!

I love you Daddy!
Sherry

ps. sorry about the messed up fonts. I don't know why it get sooo messed up. Whatever, provides some variety I guess.


Saturday, March 17, 2012

diggin through old stuff.

So, I came across the Eating Disorder Quiz that I took in Gr. 10. Today. I have been going through my goal binder, which I have had ever since I realized that something needed to change. I find this so interesting. At the end of the quiz it reads...

"If you answered yes to 3 or more of the following questions, it could be a sign that you do in fact have an eating disorder or the beginning of one. you may want to consider seeing a therapist or talking with someone at an eating disorder clinic about his matter."

In the year 2001, 11 years ago. These are the questions that I answered Yes to.

Do you feel out of control when you eat?
Do you feel powerful and in control when you are able to abstain from eating?
Do you binge on food when you are experiencing negative feelings? (anger, sadness etc.)
Do you believe you are fat, even though people tell you otherwise?
Do you feel like you have to be perfect in everything that you do?
Do you exercise to burn calories, rather than to stay fit?
Are you secretive about your eating habits?
Do you feel anger towards anyone that questions your eating habits?
Do you feel guilty after you eat?
Do you hear negative messages in your head (saying you're fat, ugly, worthless)?
Do you think about food constantly?
Do you believe that life will be perfect and you will be happy if you lose weight?
Do you have an intense fear of gaining weight?
Do you feel ashamed of your eating behaviors?

These are the questions that I said no to, but since then I have been in the place where I would have said yes.

Do you starve yourself on a regular basis.
Do you binge and then self induce vomiting?
Do you know the calorie content in the foods that you eat?
Do you avoid social events because there will be food present?
Do you think that you may have an eating disorder?

The questions I said no to and have always said no to...

Do you feel that you do not deserve to eat?
Do you feel the only control you have in your life is in the areas of food and weight?
Do you use laxatives, diet pills or diuretics as a method of weight control?
Do you feel that no matter what you do, it will never be good enough?

Here is where I am now.....

Do you feel out of control when you eat? NO
Do you feel powerful and in control when you are able to abstain from eating? YES
Do you binge on food when you are experiencing negative feelings? (anger, sadness etc.) I did a couple days ago. :(
Do you believe you are fat, even though people tell you otherwise? NO. People don't tell me I am not fat. Compared to models, I am fat. Skinny is beautiful, but it is not the only type of beautiful.
Do you feel like you have to be perfect in everything that you do? NO
Do you exercise to burn calories, rather than to stay fit? NO
Are you secretive about your eating habits? This blog answers that question...
Do you feel anger towards anyone that questions your eating habits? Yes, if they think I should be eating less in order to be skinnier, or if they think I should eat more to make me fatter. I think..none of your business!
Do you feel guilty after you eat? NO. Not when I follow my plan. If I stray, yes.
Do you hear negative messages in your head (saying you're fat, ugly, worthless)? Yes. I am working on changing those thoughts.
Do you think about food constantly? No
Do you believe that life will be perfect and you will be happy if you lose weight? NO
Do you have an intense fear of gaining weight? NO
Do you feel ashamed of your eating behaviors? NO. Not me now. My past ones, absolutely.
Do you starve yourself on a regular basis. No.
Do you binge and then self induce vomiting? NOOOOO!! :)
Do you know the calorie content in the foods that you eat? Yes, but I don't count.
Do you avoid social events because there will be food present? Nope!
Do you think that you may have an eating disorder? No. Despite what some therapist say. I believe in a complete healing from an eating disorder. However, I must always be aware to keep moving forward and not look back. No one is immune to this.
Do you feel that you do not deserve to eat? NO
Do you feel the only control you have in your life is in the areas of food and weight? NO
Do you use laxatives, diet pills or diuretics as a method of weight control? NO
Do you feel that no matter what you do, it will never be good enough? I will always be good enough.

That feels good. I have come a long way.
I love you Daddy!
Sherry Pomerleau soon to be Thomas.


Thursday, March 15, 2012

Thankyou!

I just want to say how grateful I am for everyone who have made comments or wrote me messages. I am grateful for those who have shared their story with me, or who have just expressed their gratitude to me for writing. Quite frankly, the feedback has blown me away. I knew that I was not alone in how I feel, but I underestimated how real these issues are and how well we can keep them hidden inside our little hearts and minds. To all who have shared with me, thank you! Thank you for encouraging me to keep going, because this is not easy for me to talk about in front of so many people. Last night I was feeling overwhelmed and kinda wanted to just push everyone out of my life, including this blog. I had the thought to just delete it all! Then I woke up, went on the blog and my friend Tara had commented and encouraged me to keep going. It reminded me why I am doing this. Thank you! I will not stop.


We are in this together! ROAR!

I love you Daddy!
Sherry


Wednesday, March 14, 2012

I am back!

So, I apologize for not posting up until now. It has been a crazy crazy week and I finally had the time to just sit and write. I have not even went to the gym this week and that makes me sad. I love exercising. So, in light of that, I will talk about exercise today.

As I have said, I have always been very active. There has literally never been a time in my life that I was not active. Except for the month after my marathon when I could barely walk. Ya, then I did not do much physical activity. But, that was only a month.

When I gained lots of weight in high school, I still played basketball and volleyball. I sometimes wonder what my coaches thought as I gained weight, but I appreciate that they never pressured me to lose weight. So, my first year after high school was rough. I worked in a hair salon that had tons of food in the back room and they said that we could help ourself. Bad idea. When I did not have a client, we would sit in the back room and eat. Eventually, I realized that I needed to eat more nutritiously, but it took a while for me to actually apply what I knew. So, I started eating healthier. I was on no diet, I just knew what I wanted and I worked hard for it. The funny thing is that every time people have seen that I have lost weight, I get the question. Oh did you start working out??? I am all... mmmm no... I mean... I have always been active. So, the purpose of this post is to set something straight.

Skinny does not mean active and fat does not mean lazy. The media has attached a certain image to "healthy" and to quite honest most of the people that are our "health role models" are not healthy.

Models? Not all, but a lot of them are starving themselves and/or exercising compulsively. This is NOT healthy. Some eat only a few crackers a day. Crystal Renn, a plus sized model that was once a regular model, wrote a book called "hungry". I have not read it, but I have watched some videos about her and she says that she used to exercise 8 hours a day. She was told that she needed to lost 10 inches on her waist if she wanted to make it into Vogue. So, that is what she did. She started eating again when one day she was having trouble walking because she was so thin. Jeremy Gillizter is also a big inspiration for me. Not because I want to be like him, but because I don't want to be like him. Jeremy died in 2010. So sad. HERE is a video made before he died.

Fitness models? Once again, I cannot speak for all, but many are also obsessed with themselves. They spend hours a day in the gym and don't eat a very balanced diet. So, I taught a nutrition lesson at a high school last night. We taught the students how to eat a healthy. We taught them that a balance breakfast has an energy food (grain), a protection food(fruit or vegetable), and a growth food(protein). Fitness models usually eat a very low carb diet and very high protein. I am not a dietician, but I do know that this is not very balanced.

So, here is my opinion. I cannot say that I am free yet of wanting to look like these girls. It is so hard for me not to get sucked in to the obsession. However, I do know that it is ridiculous that we are trying to look like boys. Why can't we look like girls? Why can't we be soft and round? Why must we look so angular with either our bones or our chiseled muscles? I find it fascinating to study art and see what different times in the world's history saw as a beautiful woman.

Oh, AND. I was talking to my sister the other day about Adele. She mentioned that Adele was beautiful even in her big size. I agree. I am happy to see a beautiful woman who is not super thin and wearing almost nothing. HERE is a video from 60 minutes where she talks about her appearance. Truly inspiring.

When I was in makeup school on the first day of class we had to take off our makeup so that we could start working on each other. My partner started crying and got super panicked. I felt so awkward. I felt like I was some horrible criminal who was pealing away her face to reveal her true ugly self which she worked so hard to hide. It was a very sad and defining moment for me. Oh, and she was one of the envied girls. This girl was gorgeous and she carried herself like she was super confident. Well, she was super confident. She was confident in her adorned body, not so much in what was underneath it all. I don't want to be like that. I don't think anyone does.

I like to exercise, but not too much. I love finding food that tastes good and is low in fat, sugar and salt. Healthy, tasty recipes are like finding a sweet deal at a garage sale! They feel personal, and you cherish every bite! :) I want to be moderate. Not extreme. Extreme makes me selfish. I get attention, but not the kind that I truly want deep down. I want God's approval, and that is all that matters.

I love you Daddy!
Sherry

Friday, March 9, 2012

This is How I Feel.

I made this video today: an extension of my vent session in visual form. video

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Life as a fat girl.

Probably one of the most shocking life experiences that I have had is watching how the opposite sex treats me when I am thin versus when I have been heavy. It has been a little hard not to resent men who wanted nothing to do with me when I was overweight and then suddenly ask me out when I get thin. It is still hard for me, to this day, to accept that fact and can I really blame them? It is hard for me because I still feel like the same person inside because, frankly, I am still the same person inside no matter if I am a size 4 or a size 14. This fact encourages me to continue in my obsession about what I look like. I don't really like talking to much about this actually because it is still blurry in my mind and it stirs up my emotions, but I will just go ahead and tupe.

As a thin women I had power. I got what I wanted. People listened to me, respect me, wanted to be around me, took my advice, wanted to date me, even marry me! When I was heavy people still cared about me, boys still loved being my friend but that was about it. When I was super thin, I could just talk to a boy and he would ask me out. One time, while on campus in 2008 I got asked out by 5 different guys in one day. I was booked weeks in advance. I think I went for 3 months straight one time with a date every friday and saturday night with a different guy! (keep in mind that mormon dates are innocent...dinner, movie, mini golf sort of thing. I am not a slut! ha ha) Some days I even went on a 2 dates back to back! The guy would drop me off and then I would get ready for my next one. I used to play a game with my friend at the gym. I would tease a boy by smiling at him and then looking away. It really was an art. 100% of the time they would approach me. I had so much power, and I knew it. The worst part about it was that I was super hungry most of the day and at one point my heart rate dropped to 37 beats her minute, but that is what it took to get some lovin so I was willing to pay the price.

Prior to this, when I was fat...boys would forget my name or when in a group of friends and we were talking they would not even look at me. I had guy friends frantically try to find a date to a special valentines dance, and I would help them to find a girl, while I had still not been asked. Then, after helping them find a date (usually one of my friends or sister) I would spend the night at home alone. Boys were not mean to me, but I often felt invisible or dismissible. It sucked. I hated it. Life as fat girl is painful. I felt like I was hidden beneath layers of fat that prevented me from receiving love and affection, something that I longed for. I was not so much angry at men as I was at myself. I understood them, I knew that I would choose a fit man over a fat one too.

And people wonder why it is so hard to let go of the desire to be thin. People wonder why it is so hard for women to love themselves for who they are inside instead of what they look like. I have decided that humans are a package deal. None of us are perfect. You will never get married and stay that way if you expect a perfect partner, and as Elder Uchdorft says (one of the 12 apostles) even if you did find a perfect person, they wouldn't want you!

One disclaimer though....not all men are this way. There are some men that could care less about the size of your waist. Ugghh it bothers me even writing about it. I wish women would not be measured so harshly against such an extreme standard. I wish the media did not glamourize unhealthy women, influencing both men and women to desire something that will throw their life out of balance and make them selfish. This topic makes me angry. Thanks for listening to the vent session.

I love you Daddy!
Sherry

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Beauty

As many may know I did a project on beauty in one of my classes last semester. I have studied beauty for a long time and have been trying to get the the bottom of it. What really is beauty? Where is the line between beauty and vanity?

I think it is safe to say that most girls want to feel attractive and this is not a bad thing. My mom says that when I was three I would come up to her many times a day and ask "Mommy, am I pretty?". Perhaps beauty has been more important to me than others and perhaps that is why I have got so sucked into the world and what it defines as beautiful. It is important for women, especially who are in the fashion/beauty industry to understand what makes an attractive woman.

I was talking to God about this in my prayers last night. I asked him to help me understand better a woman's desire to be beautiful and man's desire to have a beautiful woman. Here are the thoughts and feelings that came to me. Beauty starts in the inside of a woman and then manifests itself on the outside. For example, the health of a tree starts in the roots and spreads itself to the parts of the tree that we can see such as branches, fruits and leaves. Focussing so much on the outward appearance can be a facade for a woman who is not beautiful on the inside, and good luck to the man who picks a tree that has leaves painted green or artificial branches glued on.

Here is another example. When you clean a floor, it looks shiny because it is clean! Have you ever mopped your floor or cleaned your mirror and just kept wanting to look at it because of how shiny it was? It is not the shine that you really like, it is the shine PLUS the fact that you know it is clean. So...imagine there is a lady who hates cleaning her floor, but she knows that her dinner guests would like to see a clean one. So, instead of cleaning it, she throws some wax on it. She layers that wax over all of the dirt in hopes to gain the approval of her dinner guests. It is a fake clean and she will feel insecure when her guests arrive hoping that her layers of wax will hide the dirty floor.

When a woman is truly beautiful, she is full of love and kindess. Because she loves herself, she takes care of herself. Because she loves others, she offers a warm smile or gentle touch. She knows that these are the roots of her beautiful tree. She desires to be beautiful, not to prove to everyone that she is beautiful, but as an indicator to others that she is a woman of love. In other words, she loves being a shiny floor, but only as a consequence of her purity.

I have noticed in my own life, that when I feel pure inside, I don't use my body to get attention from others. I want people to be drawn to me because of the light that I have inside, and then I am comfortable and pleasing to be around because I am clean and attractive. I am shiny AND clean!

Another thing that I have noticed is that when I am not kind to myself or others. I feel ugly. If I talk behind someone's back, I feel ugly. If I am complaining, I feel ugly. In the past, this confused me. I blamed these feelings on my eating disorder. I just said. "Oh, you see, I blame all of my shortcomings on fat." In essence this was the pattern in my mind.... "I feel ugly. Ugly is an outward thing. In order to feel more beautiful, I must improve my appearance." Then I become more self centered... I buy more clothes, more makeup, I eat less, I work out more. My life becomes more self centered, which makes me feel more ugly and the cycle continues. Imagine your car is starting to rust and you have been told that rust is caused by speeding. Well, naturally you would try to not speed anymore. You would go crazy as the rust kept growing. You would say to yourself.... I have not sped in 3 weeks and the rust keeps growing! The answer is not to try harder to not speed but rather to be educated on what causes rust. This is what happens to us women. We are taught that if we feel ugly, the answer is to go buy a new pair of clothes, or to eat "perfectly". WRONG WRONG WRONG. And we wonder why we never truly feel beautiful. You do not feel ugly because you are fat. You feel ugly because you are neglecting or misusing your body. The answer is not to be skinnier. Being skinnier will never solve the problem, but treating your body with respect and kindness will. You probably will take on a better physical appearance, much a like a tree does when it is given enough sunlight and water.

In summary, beauty has purity at its root. Beauty is mentioned many times in the bible. Sometimes it is described as holiness and other times it is described as vanity. Here is one of my favourite sections of scripture that describe the type of woman God wants me to be. I want to be this woman. (obviously not literally...like I don't think I will ever learn how to "lay my hand to the spindle" but there are truths in here that can be applied to our day)

Proverbs 31:

10 ¶Who can find a avirtuous bwoman? for her price is far above rubies.

11 The heart of her husband doth safely atrust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

13 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with herahands.

14 She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food from afar.

15 She ariseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.

16 She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.

17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.

18 She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.

19 She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold theadistaff.

20 She stretcheth out her hand to the apoor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.

21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.

22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her aclothing is silk and purple.

23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.

24 She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.

25 Strength and honour are her aclothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.

26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of akindness.

27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of aidleness.

28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also,and he praiseth her.

29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

30 Favour is deceitful, and abeauty is vain: but a woman thatbfeareth the Lord, she shall be praised.

31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.


I love you Daddy!

Sherry