Because I am a super ambitious and self disciplined person, feeling that dieting and thinness equals success and respect as a person caused me to latch on, and it still is a struggle for me to not define myself so much with my appearance. Even if I truly get it one day, this ideas is everywhere around us and I can get thrown back into those patterns of thought. It is in the mall, at school, in movies and even spoken of in families by the people you love most and seek their approval. I have to be aware of the messages that are being sent about what makes a great and desirable woman and reject the ideas that we are here to merely satisfy the eye. In other words we are often reduced to a body. As a makeup artist, I have worked with models and I have seen how they are often treated. One model talked me about it can be hard because when on a fashion shoot, she is treated as if she is just a body without a mind or personality. They seriously forget that there is a human inside. Then, we look at an even greater extreme and think how the women feel who are prostitutes or posing for pornography. Please don't think that I am a feminist. Women can and often do value men for the wrong reasons too!
Others may see us this way, but that does not mean that we have to see ourselves this way. I am beautiful because I am kind, I am intelligent, I am generous, I am forgiving, I am determined, I am pure, and the fact that I am a woman makes my appearance beautiful. I truly do not believe that there is such thing as an ugly woman. A good friend of mine told me that once. He said, that to him, woman are like sunsets. One may prefer some over the others, but it is impossible for a woman to be ugly. He said that it is in their very nature to be beautiful. I am so grateful for him and his perspective. I believe that this is how God sees his daughters.
So, somewhere a long the way I chose to believe that I was fat and it does not matter what size I have been, that belief did not change. Realizing this, if it is possible to believe you are fat when you are not, then it should be possible to believe you are thin no matter what size you are. It has more to do with what you think of yourself then the number on the scale or on the pants.
Well, those are my thoughts for the day. I did not feel like going too much into my past today because I am having a rather hard day. Thanks for reading.
I love you Daddy!