I have not posted for a while because my sisters and mom surprised me by driving down to Utah for my bridal shower! It was sooo fun and I was so happy. Life really is about family. There is nothing more important in this world to me.
Today I went to class and studied the very topic that I have studied everyday for the last 5 years, the topic that has destroyed many lives and almost taken mine, the topic that is so simple and yet seems so complex. This topic envokes fire in my heart and mind and when I discuss it with others I am not sure wether I want to scream out of passion, cry our of helplessness, or just throw my hands up in the air and walk away. It is this annoying little creature that has followed me my whole life and I am not sure if I should live and ignore it, run away from it and hope it never finds me or throw it off a cliff so that it dies and never has the power to reproduce.
There was a time when it was blurry in my mind and many say.. oh this is just so complex of a subject. I disagree. I think that it can be summed up in one word; Selfishness.
Today I got home from my class exhausted. I just spent over an hour studying a subject that no one really understands and then spent the next hour and a half after class discussing it with students. Seriously. What subject in university is that interesting that students would spend an extra hour and a half discussing it after class!??? One girl even suggested that we go out for lunch to discuss it more.
I study health. I study to teach health. Most my classes promote health. I love health, and yet I hate that word. I hate the word health. I hate what our world has done to it. The best comparison would be to the word love. People do ridiculous things in the name of the most powerful force we have access to. LOVE. My professor told me that he was working with a client once who said that he had a plan. His girlfriend did not want to marry him, so he was going to take her away and make love to her. Then she would really see how much he loved her. Really?? You think raping a girl is an act of love?? You, mr. do not understand love. You are trying to manipulate someone into loving you!!!!!!! You are selfish. Is that not what many do in the name of health??Health is not a tool that you use in order to have an envied body, health is not an excuse that you use when you don't want to date a fat girl and just say " I am just not attracted to unhealthy girs" and then you go and date a girl who is skinny but eats fast food everyday. (true story)
Ok, so basically,
I don't wake up every morning saying "I am going to be someone".
I don't eat to distract myself from this difficult life that I am too coward to face.
I don't under eat so that I can be skinny and men will like me.
I don't exercise so that I can flaunt my legs in my new dress.
I don't eat nutritious foods so that others will admire my self control and discipline.
I don't do my hair and makeup in the morning so that I can feel prettier than the next girl.
I don't use my arms to hit.
I don't use my hands to flip someone the bird.
I don't use my mouth to tell someone that they should be different.
I don't use my feet so run a marathon and be admired.
I don't use my head as an opaque compartment to hide my mean thoughts.
I don't use my emotions to manipulate others into feeling sorry for me.
I don't use my nose to snort drugs.
I don't use my ears to listen to people who encourage me to use my body for the wrong reasons.
I wake up every morning and go forward thinking outside of myself
I eat when I am hungry so that I can stop thinking about myself.
I don't overeat so that I am not tempted to think bout myself.
I exercise so that I am alert and ready when someone needs me.
I eat nutritious food so that I give my future babies the best shot at life without physical limitations.
I do my hair and makeup and clean myself so that people can feel comfortable around me.
I use my arms to hug another.
I use my hands to wipe tears.
I use my mouth to encourage.
I use my feet to stand while I teach.
I use my head, to learn.
I use my emotions to give meaning to prayers.
I use my nose to appreciate the smell after it rains.
I use my ears to listen when one needs to be understood.
I believe that there is a lot of confusion in our world on what it means to be healthy. There is so much more to well being than your physical health. Going back to enology that I have used before, what good is a sharp knife if it never gets used for what it is for? Similarly, WHAT GOOD IS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN if she only thinks about herself. What good is a beautiful woman if all she cares about is that she looks beautiful and people look at her? What good is a beautiful woman who always thinks she is ugly and then refuses to give of herself even when another needs her? What good is mankind if all we do is walk around thinking about ourselves.
So, after 26 years of banging my head against the wall trying to attain some ideal weight or health and trying to sort out the differences or correlation of the two. After trying to be attractive and good enough...ooo because when I am skinnier, surely he will love me. I am done with thinking about myself. I was not put on this earth to think about myself. I have had a hard enough life that i would like to live the rest of mine trying to make another's life better.
I have lived my life trying to be beautiful, trying to feel beautiful. I don't think that is a bad thing, but I think I have been taught for many years the wrong way on how to achieve that. You don't feel loved by making someone have sex with you. You don't feel loved by being attractive either.
I am convinced that I am here to love, not to be loved. I am here to love, not to be healthy. I am here to love, not to be skinny. I am here to love, not to exercise. I am here to love, not to try to make a name for myself.
I believe that the reason why exercise, nutrition, and physical attractiveness, though so important, are so messed up is because of our motives behind them. Sex is not bad, but when a man uses it to control another there is almost nothing more evil than that. Money is not bad, but using it to build yourself and withhold from the poor is satanic. Health is not bad, but using it as an excuse for you to manipulate your body so that you can get attention is horrible. The body is so powerful and was not intended to assist you in selfish desires. You don't use it to manipulate people into loving you. You don't use it to manipulate people to buy your beer. You don't use it abuse children. You don't use it to get attention. You don't use it to indulge in selfish passions and pleasures. You don't use it to adorn and worship yourself through clothes and makeup and hairstyles. AND you do not use another's body for these same purposes. You do not marry a "10" so that people will think that you are worth something. You don't use another's body be it on a computer screen or in your own bedroom to please you and only you.
I find it interesting that the world objectifies the body. What good is a body without a spirit. I don't care how beautiful a girl is, no fashion photographer would want to take her picture if she was dead. Ironically enough, what they encourage models to do leads to death.
Well, all of that may or may not have made sense, but so it is. Just doing the roar.
I love you Daddy!