Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The girl a Real man wants.

I wrote this poem the other day. Maybe I am apostate but I used the word Hell. :( Members of the church might be appalled, and my friends who are not LDS will probably laugh at me. I have tried to find a replacement word that will do justice to how I feel, but I failed....

yet I am expected to hike.

I head the trail eager as hell

determined to triumph at last

I take my first step

then I fall down

watch as the others go by

they laugh and scorn, think I am fat.

I curl in a ball and I cry

pretty face hiding behind her worldly facade

trips and breaks her poor leg

the root at foot is to blame

as the men quickly administer first aid,

then carry her the rest of the way

I watch as I lay alone and afraid

screaming from inside out

they tell me "be positive"

"be confident in yourself"

easy to say when you know how to walk.

oblivious before, I now see the blood

I suck it up, because its my fault

I should have been thinner

not fallen so soon

maybe its because I am big

thats it. if I were little, surely I would not fall

but if I did, the men would rush

they would bandage my aching wounds

my delicate self would make him feel man

but oh how he's really a mouse

a true man is one who can look past the crust

love a girl for what is inside

every girl needs a man who cares

regardless of her size

I have also gotten feedback that this blog is too angry. I am sorry, but part of the whole reason for this blog is to show that women can be real. I hurl at the thought of me feeling pressured to put on the perfect face because that is what some people want to see. I want to see people's real face. I am not afraid of anger if it is for a righteous purpose. I embrace it. It is true: I am angry at the messages that the world sends to men and women about how they should be. Even within the church or other religions, we often put pressure on each other to look or act a certain way. Like my financé helped me discover last night, it can be easy to make health a moral issue, when it is not. We say, oh I did not work out today. I am bad! oh, I had some cake, I am bad. REALLY? Does missing a workout merit you the label "bad"? How about the backbiting that you did an hour ago? What about the selfishness? Perhaps if we invested more of our energies into the issues that truly make a woman ugly, we could free ourselves from the tyranny of vanity. Just a thought.

So, the girl a real man wants is a girl that is genuine. A girl that cares more about others than she does about herself. This is a woman who has true beauty. When a woman is truly beautiful it starts in the inside and shines out in her eyes, in her smile and in her actions. Beauty is seen in the parts of her that are real, not in the parts of her that are painted on, or made of plastic. A girl who obsesses about her appearance is selfish and usually not happy. She is not meaning to be selfish, she is trying to be loved. This cycle needs to be stopped and it needs both men and women to do it. Women must fight the desire to gain the praise of the world wearing their seductive smile and men must stop chasing the women that encourage lust. If we didn't get attention from men when we are immodest, or flashy, then we wouldn't be that way. But if we would not be that way, men would not get so distracted and lose focus of what they want deep down: a woman who will love him.

I found a real man. Last night he talked to me for hours. He helped me to understand what makes me important, what makes me unique, what makes me worth loving, what makes me desirable. It did not have anything to do with what I looked like. He said that the first thing he thinks about when he thinks of me is my smile and my giggle. He said that he is attracted to me when he sees me being kind to others and sensitive to their needs. He said that he loves my passion and my desire to make change in the world. He said that he loves my mind. He said that he loves my serious side, the side that loves God and takes life seriously. I wrote them down and I am going to make sure that I remember those things when I have children and feel like my body is not so hot. I will remember this when I get lots of wrinkles and stretch marks and celulite. The world sees those as undesirable. It has taken some time, but I see them as evidences of a life well lived. I see them as a rejection of the world and a priority on the things that do matter. I am not a woman to just please the eye. I am a woman to love, to encourage, to help those in need, to bear children, to share my talents, and to share her genuine smile!

I love you Daddy!

ps. sorry about the messed up fonts. I don't know why it get sooo messed up. Whatever, provides some variety I guess.


  1. I like this post! And I can't believe that guy broke up with you sister for that reason!! So stupid! I had a few guys tell me something like that because I am tall. Good riddens! lol. Cute pic of you and your man! :)


  2. I don't think this blog sounds angry at all. I think it sounds real. And who cares if you did sound angry. It's your blog. You have a right to express yourself the way you feel. It's their choice to interpret your words that way. But I like it. It feels real.