As a thin women I had power. I got what I wanted. People listened to me, respect me, wanted to be around me, took my advice, wanted to date me, even marry me! When I was heavy people still cared about me, boys still loved being my friend but that was about it. When I was super thin, I could just talk to a boy and he would ask me out. One time, while on campus in 2008 I got asked out by 5 different guys in one day. I was booked weeks in advance. I think I went for 3 months straight one time with a date every friday and saturday night with a different guy! (keep in mind that mormon dates are innocent...dinner, movie, mini golf sort of thing. I am not a slut! ha ha) Some days I even went on a 2 dates back to back! The guy would drop me off and then I would get ready for my next one. I used to play a game with my friend at the gym. I would tease a boy by smiling at him and then looking away. It really was an art. 100% of the time they would approach me. I had so much power, and I knew it. The worst part about it was that I was super hungry most of the day and at one point my heart rate dropped to 37 beats her minute, but that is what it took to get some lovin so I was willing to pay the price.
Prior to this, when I was fat...boys would forget my name or when in a group of friends and we were talking they would not even look at me. I had guy friends frantically try to find a date to a special valentines dance, and I would help them to find a girl, while I had still not been asked. Then, after helping them find a date (usually one of my friends or sister) I would spend the night at home alone. Boys were not mean to me, but I often felt invisible or dismissible. It sucked. I hated it. Life as fat girl is painful. I felt like I was hidden beneath layers of fat that prevented me from receiving love and affection, something that I longed for. I was not so much angry at men as I was at myself. I understood them, I knew that I would choose a fit man over a fat one too.
And people wonder why it is so hard to let go of the desire to be thin. People wonder why it is so hard for women to love themselves for who they are inside instead of what they look like. I have decided that humans are a package deal. None of us are perfect. You will never get married and stay that way if you expect a perfect partner, and as Elder Uchdorft says (one of the 12 apostles) even if you did find a perfect person, they wouldn't want you!
One disclaimer though....not all men are this way. There are some men that could care less about the size of your waist. Ugghh it bothers me even writing about it. I wish women would not be measured so harshly against such an extreme standard. I wish the media did not glamourize unhealthy women, influencing both men and women to desire something that will throw their life out of balance and make them selfish. This topic makes me angry. Thanks for listening to the vent session.
I love you Daddy!