As a thin women I had power. I got what I wanted. People listened to me, respect me, wanted to be around me, took my advice, wanted to date me, even marry me! When I was heavy people still cared about me, boys still loved being my friend but that was about it. When I was super thin, I could just talk to a boy and he would ask me out. One time, while on campus in 2008 I got asked out by 5 different guys in one day. I was booked weeks in advance. I think I went for 3 months straight one time with a date every friday and saturday night with a different guy! (keep in mind that mormon dates are innocent...dinner, movie, mini golf sort of thing. I am not a slut! ha ha) Some days I even went on a 2 dates back to back! The guy would drop me off and then I would get ready for my next one. I used to play a game with my friend at the gym. I would tease a boy by smiling at him and then looking away. It really was an art. 100% of the time they would approach me. I had so much power, and I knew it. The worst part about it was that I was super hungry most of the day and at one point my heart rate dropped to 37 beats her minute, but that is what it took to get some lovin so I was willing to pay the price.
Prior to this, when I was fat...boys would forget my name or when in a group of friends and we were talking they would not even look at me. I had guy friends frantically try to find a date to a special valentines dance, and I would help them to find a girl, while I had still not been asked. Then, after helping them find a date (usually one of my friends or sister) I would spend the night at home alone. Boys were not mean to me, but I often felt invisible or dismissible. It sucked. I hated it. Life as fat girl is painful. I felt like I was hidden beneath layers of fat that prevented me from receiving love and affection, something that I longed for. I was not so much angry at men as I was at myself. I understood them, I knew that I would choose a fit man over a fat one too.
And people wonder why it is so hard to let go of the desire to be thin. People wonder why it is so hard for women to love themselves for who they are inside instead of what they look like. I have decided that humans are a package deal. None of us are perfect. You will never get married and stay that way if you expect a perfect partner, and as Elder Uchdorft says (one of the 12 apostles) even if you did find a perfect person, they wouldn't want you!
One disclaimer though....not all men are this way. There are some men that could care less about the size of your waist. Ugghh it bothers me even writing about it. I wish women would not be measured so harshly against such an extreme standard. I wish the media did not glamourize unhealthy women, influencing both men and women to desire something that will throw their life out of balance and make them selfish. This topic makes me angry. Thanks for listening to the vent session.
I love you Daddy!
Sherry
I've been overweight most of my life, and the times I didn't have some BMI telling me I was obese, I was anorexic. I was a size 14 once, but most of my life I've been a 10 or 12, with people still telling my I'm "obese". I've never been smaller than a 10, even when I was anorexic. I just have big hips and broad shoulders. The funny thing is that when I was "obese", I've always been athletic, my blood pressure and heart rate are excellent, and I've always had doctors tell me I'm "healthy"... except, of course, for my weight, which was NOT holding me back.
ReplyDeleteI had this same contrasting experience with men. Funny how even 2 sizes different, they treat you SO differently. And we see ourselves so differently too. We're just not fair.
I appreciate your honesty and openness about this subject. It's not easy. It never will be. But I firmly believe that if we are not seeking to help others in our own trials, they become useless and only sources of misery.
Thanks so much for sharing your story. It can be so rough. I hear you about the naturally being a bit bigger. I have always said that the world praises a size two, but I don't think my skeleton even goes that small. I appreciate your openness too. You are beautiful!
DeleteI love this SO much Sherry. Hindsight is 20/20 for sure and I think my younger, less curvy self abused the so-called privilege of the "hot body". Although my weight didn't fluctuate much at all until after marriage and babies, there was one disturbing time while dating my husband that we broke up and my weight dropped drastically. I mean going from a size 6 to a size 2 in about 2wks. I guess it was my bodies way of dealing with some extreme stress but I couldn't eat and I had zero energy and I was so hungry and worried about what was happening with my body and on the other hand everyone was telling me how fantastic I looked? and asking for all my tips? It still makes me angry that nobody besides my parents asked me how I was feeling or if everything was going okay. It was a scary situation to be in and everyone was just so happy for me? I think it's important that not only are we sensitive to bigger girls, but also not so quick to assume that when someone loses drastic amounts of weight they are healthy and/or necessarily happy. This post was a great reminder for me to do some blogging of my own on the issue. Thanks for the inspiration and for sharing your feelings about it, I know that it's not easy. My post-babies self is a lot more realistic about weight gain/loss, but it's a mental trip some days, it's hard to let go of all the world tells us about true beauty, but I think you're absolutely right, something needs to change and the more "normal" people speak out about their feelings and experiences I think the more perceptions will start to shift, and we can all help each other gain a better understanding of what makes someone beautiful. PS You have always been a beauty, I feel sorry for any guy who passed on a chance to get to know you because of whatever size you were.
ReplyDeleteWow you are amazing. Thanks so very much for sharing. It helps me to hear that I am not alone in this. Isn't that so true, losing weight is seen as if you are just so happy and strong. When really you can be miserable and weak and dying. Keep reading! I love your feedback and I look forward to reading your blogs!!!
DeleteI am just getting caught up on all your posts. I too obviously have struggled with weight and major self image issues. I thought that once I got married and landed a husband that loved me I would feel better about myself. But that was so wrong. Because I didn’t actually fix how I felt and viewed myself, my problems weren’t solved. I remember for almost 2 years I would cry and have major anxiety attacks before I went in public, especially to see any of Scott’s three skinny sisters. I want and need to change the way I feel, so thanks for writing these posts. They are amazing and so real! Keep them coming.
ReplyDeleteTara! It has been so long! I am soo happy that you commented! You are so beautiful Tara. I have always thought that about you. Seriously, thanks so much for sharing. It helps me a lot to know that I am not alone and feel so ridiculous talking about these things.
DeleteThanks!
Sherry