Oh, and I know this is not my journal, but I just have to say that I dreamt about Justin Bieber last night. He was running away from some evil black woman with long finger nails from Harry Potter ( have never seen nor read Harry Potter and know nothing about it other than that Harry has sweet glasses). Anyway, so JB in his fright leaped off of our ship into the ocean. I was all "NO JUSTIN!!!" and I so I jumped in with him....then he kissed me. BA HA! Or maybe I kissed him. :P ha ha ha Gotta love dreams.
Anyway, so back to what this blog really is about. So... when I was in gr 9 I went on a no sugar diet. This was my first official attempt to resist sweets. It went well, but this was the gateway into gaining weight. After going off of the no sweets I started to gain weight, part of the problem too was that it was at this time that I got my period and had my growth spurt. Bad timing. Then in Gr 10. I went on a real diet. My mom told me that she did not think that I should do it, but I insisted. I would not change my past, because my past is what has made me who I am today, but man oh man. That diet messed me up. It was very strict, and it taught me how to overeat. HOW? Well, there were certain foods that I could eat as much as I wanted, and so I did. I lost sense of portion control and because the diet said when I could and could not eat, I no longer responded to hunger or fullness cues. I completely lost touch with what those physical feelings were. Therefore, when I realized that I did not want to live that way for the rest of my life and stopped the diet, I ballooned. I was used to eating a ton, I had all these new feelings of good and bad foods and I honestly did not know when I was hungry or when I was full. In essence it was this diet that triggered me to gain 50 pounds. uugggh. No fun. I HATE DIETS! however.........
I have learned that when I do things because I HAVE to, when I don't follow through, the result is that I feel guilty. On the other hand, if I do things because I WANT to, when I don't follow through, I feel sad because I really did want to! Basically there is no self loathing that follows... Good nutrition and exercise only are a good things for me if it is something that I truly want. The minute it turns into a HAVE to, I am miserable and doomed to rebellion.
This is the difference between my past and now. I NEVER embark on a goal unless it stems from a sincere desire to improve my life. Also, I NEVER embark on a goal unless it is reasonable and possible. Finally, once I set a goal, I FOLLOW THROUGH! If I don't feel 100% confident that I will follow through, then I don't set the goal. I don't need unnecessary guilt in my life. I have enough little emotions running through my body all day that need organizing.
So, there was a time when I tried not to eat sugar. I just tried. Now, I don't eat sugar. I am not "trying to not eat sugar" I just don't because I truly like my life better this way. Desiree's post is pretty much my story too. Sugar and food for whatever reason are super super powerful in my body and mind. I have known this since I was very young. Sad yet funny story... I remember one time when I was young that I went and stole some of my mom's chocolate out of the freezer. I took it into the bathroom and after taking a bite, I immediately spit it out. It was unsweetened chocolate! So gross! I don't suggest it. I also did that with the crisco because I thought it was icing. Funny, but at the same time it breaks my heart thinking of that poor little girl who was so unaware of the effect sugar had on the dopamine in her brain.
It truly can be an addiction. I have wrote papers on food addiction in University and although there are still debates going on about it, I am convinced that it is real. The problem with food addiction however, is that unlike alcohol, or cocaine, or meth, or nicotine, you can't go cold turkey and stop using all together. It is not like sugar is bad. It is not. I used to think it was, so about 2 years ago I stopped eating it altogether and thought that my problems would be gone. Soon enough, I realized going off sugar was not the end all. A food addict going off of sugar is like an Alcoholic going off of just vodka. Duh!! She will just drink more beer or wine! I just ate more of different types of food. Sure, the damage was not as harsh or as immediate, but I still coped with life through food instead of other healthy methods.
So, just incase you think I am overreacting, I will tell you what a food addict does. It is not much different than any other addiction. There are secrets, shame, stealing, feeling high, depressing lows, physical symptoms of withdrawals, relaps. I have done it all. Thankfully I am an active member of the Latter Day Saint church (Mormon) so I choose to not drink, smoke, do drugs or have premarital sex. I am grateful that I was taught to stay away from these powerful substances because I think my adventurous spirit would have become a mess. All this shows that addictions are powerful and if not kept at bay, they will overtake your life making you miserable.
I am pleased to say that I am free. I still have to be aware of my thoughts, and feelings and pray everyday for God's strength, but He truly has led me out of this horrible lifestyle and I am free. This blog is dedicated to sharing the process, and trust me it was looonngg and paaainful and frustrating and if I can help ANYONE in anyway to not have to go through all that I have had, it will be worth it.
I love you Daddy!